Leather Strap On (bondage_heart) wrote,
Leather Strap On
bondage_heart

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Take me by the hand...

So tomorrow, I decided, was the day for me to die. So anyways, I was in a car accident. nothing happened. an i suppose that is a good thing.

"My motives are weak: an American history paper I didn't want to write and the question I'd asked months earlier, Why not kill myself? Dead, I wouldn't have to write the paper. Nor would i have to keep debating the question. The debate was wearing me out. Once you've posed that question, it won't go away. I think many people kill themselves simply to stop the debate about whether they will or they won't.
Anything I thought or did was immediately drawn into the debate. Made a stupid remark- why not kill myself? Missed the bus- better put an end to it all. Even the good got in there. I like the movie- maybe I shouldn't kill myself.
Actually, it was only part of myself I wanted to kill: the part of me that wanted to kill herself, that dragged me into the suicide debate and made every window, kitchen implement, and subway station a rehearsal for tragedy." --Susanna kaysen

Maybe, this is the feeling I feel so deep in the depths of myself? I am lost. and I do not know when I will find the way out, back, to myself. This feeling, is it not letting me sleep? I have not dreamed in so long. and I miss the feeling of it. Maybe, I am just feeling alone. Since, I have realized that the person who I once thought I loved was not love at all. When you let go of someone that easily, that is not love. We said our goodbyes and in that moment everything I thought was, was not. For so long I have held on to the memories of us. and know I think it is time to truly say goodbye. I can not allow myslef be bound to the memories of the past. But realizing this now, leaves me in loneliness. Going back to the subject of death, I do not know what this feeling is. Am I going to die tomorrow? or is it just that a part of me needs to be left behind? will that part of me die? or do I, myself need to rid of it. I don't think I will find my answers to these questions.

But this emotional loneliness kills me inside.

TAKE ME ANYWHERE

bright just like the stars above me
proud just like my mother planned it
short on all the things I don't want
I'm full of love and longing
take me by the hand and tell me
you would take me anywhere
still, cause I don't want to move a thing
and all the things I don't want they're full
of love and longing
take me by the hand and tell me
you would take me anywhere
and it goes, its like a come on come on to me
and it goes it's like a come on come on to me
you, you say you don't see any part of me
to love in all this mess and I know
you take the good and all the bad that comes with me
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