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Leather Strap On

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Try [16 May 2005|10:43pm]
[ mood | amused ]

I learned that sometimes all you have to do is try. and try harder. life can get tough. it can be dark and mean and scary. but it's nothing personal. it's not the world against me. just me against the world. me against life. how about i make peace with my inner demons and that scary darkness that consumes me. how about i try. just a little harder.

Im living life and most of the time i dont know what i am doing. i walk around. where am i going? my life got consumed by this darkness and i could not find a way out. consumed by lost love and drugs. now i want to leave it all behind but i cant just go away. i cant just leave. i now have to fight it. live by it. slowly turn my life around. not turn my life back. no. because where i was isnt much better than where i am now. but i must go on. its sad to think about it. even sadder to live it. im doing this. enhalling that. line after line. hit after hit. scar after scar. im with him. but i love her. still. thats all it is. and i dont like it. dont want it. dont want to live that. dont even want to live at all sometimes. i dont know what i want. i just know that in my heart i want to be happy. like everyone else. i just dont know how to be that right now. and maybe i wont know for awhile. but i have to be patient with life. i know i cant just say im going to stop. and stop. because i know i wont. i like...no. i love the fucked up things in life too much to just be able to pick up and leave them. its going to be hard. its going to take time. but i think i can do it. eventually. im going to try. just. try.

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kds vjasbjda i [28 Nov 2004|12:50am]
when I am all alone, I will think of you.
and when I cry at night, I cry for you.
so long I have waited to love, like I love you.
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My hands are cold. maybe i should have been a fish? [22 Nov 2004|09:30pm]
[ mood | amused ]

I was just remembering something. and it was funny to think that I actually remembered this and so clearly at that. I was sitting, spaced out as usual. no thought. no memory. no feeling. just staring at the moving lights and the people that were dancing along to the rythm of the music coming out of the speakers. it was quite amusing but I didn't laugh. I felt mute. I felt a tug at my left shoulder. a tug that pulled me from my reality into everyone elses. my eyes locked with his. a world of green and partly hazel now took me in. I was starring right into him and yet I convinced myself otherwise. "I like you" so fucking funny I cried inside from the laughter that was pleading with me to be left out. but I tried my best not to give in. and not to give into temptation. I looked away. trying to force myself to forget about my surroundings. I kept hearing his voice as he got closer. but I pushed him away. "why are you so confident?" he asked. "why are you so insecure?" I replied. that's it. I thought that was funny. "why am I so confident?" I am not. It is a simple answer to an absurd quesion.


I went shopping for shoes. shoes for my brother. myself and my brother, James. it was quite the adventure hahaha. and so I passed by her house today. or rather her old house. full of fond memories. good ones but ones that I would rather forget at times. before today I could not pass by. I could not look at her house without hurt. today I could. maybe it was because James was there. there to fill in the void left behind by her. a void I am still waiting to fill. still waiting for someone.

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hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm [21 Nov 2004|12:50am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

I went to the mall and bought Fox Fire. Finally! I found it. jajajajajajajaja (laughing in spanish) the lady at the register was like ooo when she saw what I was buying. I guess she likes the movie. and so the other gal was giving me my total and it was 27.05.... I had 27.00 in my hand and the other sexah lady was like "oh do you need 5 cents?" I was like "no I have some change" jajajajajajaja she was going to give me money. but I had money.so yeah. so I bought Fox Fire. lol.

I cut my self umm like on my hand , on my wrist. I was looking out at my hand as I held it infront of me...and I had the sudden feeling of emptyness. I felt as if something was missing from myself. so anyways, I did it because I thought it would look nice.

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okay [21 Nov 2004|12:25am]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

11-16-04

Went to the Alexander premiere in Hollywood. met everyone from JNF which by the way was awsome. I saw my love, Angelina Jolie. she was beautiful! more than usual. other celebs were there but meh... anyways too much went on that night and I don't feel like telling the whole tale *lazy* so here is a pic.

BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH I love her :o face!
Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us

I wish Vampi could have been there :(

11-17-04

Got in trouble for going to the premiere.... <_< 11-18-04 Blah, just a regular day I suppose....I feel sort of empty and lonely. Like I need something emotional. soemthing to make me feel alive. something to capture and awaken my emotions. I've been thinking of her lately. I don't want to. but some times I can't help it. I wish only to hold her. but I don't think she is meant for me. deep inside I know she isn't what I'm looking for or what I need now. I need something or someone new. someone to catch my eye. someone who is willing to give it one more try. with me. I really need that. 11-19-04 I went to a Ska show at The Allen. it was okay, not really my thing. but it was nice. I found my brothers ex there, I didn't recognize her at first. she looks so different. I found myself very attracted to her which was weird and very eewwww. I think I have a crush on a guy. that is really weird, I have a crush....on a guy. anyways, I made out with andrew. he says he really likes me. I wonder if it is true. sometimes it seems like it is.I wish I cold feel the same. but he isn't someone for me. He could not keep up with me. In the end I was making out with him. even though I had told myself I would no longer fool around. I realized I needed more than this. I need more than this. much more. I need something very emotional, very deep and very real. I don't think I have found someone that I could have that with. but I try not to worry or concern myself with it. I try to think I have all my life to find that person...but how much of my life do I have left to live? I hope I find someone or something to lighten up the mood in my life at the moment.There are some people I find myself wanting to like. but I can't. for one reason or another, I can't. or rather, I shouldn't.

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[20 Nov 2004|05:31pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

ahhh im going out right now. but as soon as i get back i'll update all the shit going on.

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so very bored [14 Nov 2004|10:52pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

I dont know where my mother is now. she left a few days ago. I wonder where the fuck she went. wherever she is, I hope she comes back. and soon. like tomorrow. If she doesnt I wont be able to go to the Alexander premiere and meet Thomas :( UGH I thought the relationship between the two of us was getting better but I guess it is not. and my dad just began talking to me two days ago. So, anyways, I thought I found someone I really liked. I thought about it long and hard since for a while I had nothing better to do than think. after I decided to let myself open and maybe she would be the one, she stops talking to me again. fuck. I hate that. so, now she ignores me. doesn't talk to me. see, the things that happen when I think to much about things. It feels so aweful to be left alone and ignored.

For a few days I had some pains on my right side.. I thought about telling someone like my dad maybe, but then he would see my scars and that would not be a good thing. So, I hope it goes away.

Im trying to get my mind off all that shit and concentrate on my school. both my grades and the club that I am working on starting. I have been working on this and trying to get people to listen to me. getting it approved is taking so long. its a humanitarian club. I had some meetings with adminstrators and all that, to let them know what I plan to do. and I plan to raise awareness and start fund raisers. refugees, IDP's, landmines all these things need to be addressed. It really is quite hard to get this started. I just need one more person to approve it. but it is hard when you are just a 15 yr old punk kid. people have a hard time taking me seriously. and I am that, VERY SERIOUS. and it is hard for me to talk to people about these issues. just telling them about what I plan to do and why, brought me to tears. then, i need to get the kids to listen. and I hope they do. I think many of them would really want to help and would really care.

im FUCKING bored!!!!!!! *listens to more Smiths and Tegan and Sara*

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Chasing the dragon [07 Nov 2004|08:48pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

I don't want to feel what I thought I felt but really, did not. this kills me inside to think that I may never feel again. you lead me on and tell me that you will. only you know you won't. and inside you can hear me cry and I beg of thee to let me free. I am a caged bird with clipped wings. so, even when you set me free, i would not know how to fly. I will sit here and wait for you to come and show me the way. but do give me time to see and trust you. for I have been hurt before and do not wish to walk through that path again. I hope to someday find you. someone who understands and sees things as I too see them. hold me down. and sing truth. everyone is hurt and dead. won't you give it one more try with me? let the past through and allow yourself to love again. for I will love you too. just tell me you will. I am living on the edge of your knife. cut through me and show me that you truly love me. I can not live like this. this emtyness inside leaves room for you. you?

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Desperate [07 Nov 2004|04:41am]
[ mood | blah ]

So I am back online. Finally! one week, caged, and now beat. I am to tired to write anything because there is so much to write....







"A prayer for the wild at heart, kept in cages"
--Tennessee Williams

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Take me by the hand... [27 Oct 2004|08:26pm]
[ mood | confused ]

So tomorrow, I decided, was the day for me to die. So anyways, I was in a car accident. nothing happened. an i suppose that is a good thing.

"My motives are weak: an American history paper I didn't want to write and the question I'd asked months earlier, Why not kill myself? Dead, I wouldn't have to write the paper. Nor would i have to keep debating the question. The debate was wearing me out. Once you've posed that question, it won't go away. I think many people kill themselves simply to stop the debate about whether they will or they won't.
Anything I thought or did was immediately drawn into the debate. Made a stupid remark- why not kill myself? Missed the bus- better put an end to it all. Even the good got in there. I like the movie- maybe I shouldn't kill myself.
Actually, it was only part of myself I wanted to kill: the part of me that wanted to kill herself, that dragged me into the suicide debate and made every window, kitchen implement, and subway station a rehearsal for tragedy." --Susanna kaysen

Maybe, this is the feeling I feel so deep in the depths of myself? I am lost. and I do not know when I will find the way out, back, to myself. This feeling, is it not letting me sleep? I have not dreamed in so long. and I miss the feeling of it. Maybe, I am just feeling alone. Since, I have realized that the person who I once thought I loved was not love at all. When you let go of someone that easily, that is not love. We said our goodbyes and in that moment everything I thought was, was not. For so long I have held on to the memories of us. and know I think it is time to truly say goodbye. I can not allow myslef be bound to the memories of the past. But realizing this now, leaves me in loneliness. Going back to the subject of death, I do not know what this feeling is. Am I going to die tomorrow? or is it just that a part of me needs to be left behind? will that part of me die? or do I, myself need to rid of it. I don't think I will find my answers to these questions.

But this emotional loneliness kills me inside.

TAKE ME ANYWHERE

bright just like the stars above me
proud just like my mother planned it
short on all the things I don't want
I'm full of love and longing
take me by the hand and tell me
you would take me anywhere
still, cause I don't want to move a thing
and all the things I don't want they're full
of love and longing
take me by the hand and tell me
you would take me anywhere
and it goes, its like a come on come on to me
and it goes it's like a come on come on to me
you, you say you don't see any part of me
to love in all this mess and I know
you take the good and all the bad that comes with me

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FUCKING WORTHLESS! [25 Oct 2004|08:06pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Ok. so i stand up for what i believe in. and i am one of the few , my age, that has an idea of what i would like to do with my life. no, i am not perfect. no, i am not the best student. no, i do not see the world as they do. yes, i do cut myself. yes, i smoke. yes, i drink. yes, i am bisexual. yes, i want to tie you up and fuck you. but this does not make me a bad person. i may not be at the best point of my fucking life. but i do not have to be. life is too short. and i will not live it trying to make you or anybody happy. hey man, you do not have the right to say that i am fucking worthless. who the fuck are you to say that to me? i believe everyone was put on this earth with a reason for being here. that includes me. so fuck you.

When i am dead. then you can see me and say that i am worthless. but no, not now.

- Repent the end is extremely fucking nigh

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I'm not alone. I'm just on my own. [25 Oct 2004|02:30am]
[ mood | disappointed ]

I should go to sleep. I am not sleepy. I have test all week at school. went to the book store and bought Allure! Angelina is so hot in it *drools* they did not have Esquire :(

i should go to sleep now.....but i know i wont be able to so why bother?

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Sane in an insane world..... [23 Oct 2004|10:17pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Leather strap on. (so jealous) says:
i wish i loved someone SO much that i would want to do the same thing but not out of hate, just cause i loved them so fucking much i could kill them. awww i would be so happy
iguana. says:
...u would kill someone u love?
Leather strap on. (so jealous) says:
hahahah i dont know. maybe.
iguana. says:
*scared of u*
Leather strap on. (so jealous) says:
just like love someone so much i could walk up to them and fucking punch them in the face for no reason. fuck that is true love.
Leather strap on. (so jealous) says:
and then take them to my bedroom and tie them up. and make love to them. awwwwwwwwwww. fuck i need that.
----------------

"it's shit!" she'd yell, sticking her head into the tv room. "you're already like robots. It's making you worse." - awwwwww Lisa Rowe *cums* shes so smart

I fell asleep last night and did not wake up until 3. that is the longest i have slept in weeks. yay for me. I feel really hot right now....temperature wise fucker. Hell Yes! I stayed home tonight. fuck i am hungery. "Cheese pussy" bwahahahahah Lisa is fuckig funny." You schizophrenic bat!" *READING GIRL, INTERRUPTED*

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Oh Lordy Lordy [22 Oct 2004|11:17pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Im so tired. I can't sleep. My neck hurts...what a bitch. Tomorrow Hell Yes! fuck i am being random.

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